Screwed Up Celebrity Quiz Answer was...

Kelly Osbourne! Looked like Dita von Teese didn't it? Don't miss next weeks quiz. And click on the right hand side for previous quizzes and answers.

Celebrity jokes!

Q. How does Michael Jackson pick his nose?
A. From a catalogue.

Click here for some more jokes. Some are rubbish. But others are really rather good.

Britneys Bum

Click here to see Britney's bum straining out of her shorts. Not pretty. The photos were captured as she was shopping and getting a parking ticket at the same time. Earlier she had to be pushed by four policemen after her car ran out of petrol. Can't this girl get anything right?

I'm a drug pusher. A-Haaaaa!

The news on Owen Wilson is better. He is recovering from his drug overdose and wrist slashing suicide attempt. (Get well soon from the Friends of Celebrities!) But now the blame has been pushed away from his split with Kate Hudson and firmly into the lap of Alan Partridge actor Steve Coogan and his wild, party, drug lifestyle.

And who is making such accusations? Well, it is sober, virgin angel Courtney Love. All three of these people should all get in contact with the Friends of Celebrities. We'll sort you out. And when I say 'we'll sort you out' I mean emotionally, not 'with as much drug as you can stick in your body'.

Talk to Ian Brown

Click here to ask monkey man a question. For the most fun ask him about The Seahorses.

Thank FoC for underpants!

There were recently some unflattering pictures flying around of Kelis with a very short skirt, dancing around stage with photographers taking pics from a reletively low angle. Many people were saying "Ewwwwwwww". But we say, it could have been worse, if it wasn't for her sensible underwear.

Wear Underpants! Just one of the grounded pieces of advice given by the Friends of Celebrities. Thanks for listening Kelis, you are truly better off for it.

Tin of Victoria Beckham

Ever wondered what Victoria Beckham would be like as a tin sold at the grocery store? Here she is:

Ingredients
Pouting, pointing, shopping, mothering, appearing in Hello! magazine, singing (trace)

Storage Instructions
Store in a cool dry place, preferably Beckingham Palace. Always keep close to bodyguards and photographers. Once opened keep in limelight at all times.

Serving Instructions
For best results serve with a tin of David Beckham or a side order of Brooklyn or Romeo or Cruz. Victoria Beckham counts as half a portion. KEEP OUT OF REACH OF RECORDING CONTRACTS.

**This product contains artificial enhancers**

(Would you like to see these as T-shirts? Let me know. Email John@friendsofcelebrities.com and I can get some made or leave a post. Thanks.)

Thank the World for Award Ceremonies

It was a tough week last week in celeb-land. And the Friends of Celebrities were extreemly busy, helping the fallen stars safley back to earth. So it was good news to learn there was an awards ceremony on for The Teen Choice Awards. Thank goodness, a nice happy award ceremony to make everyone feel great (except the losers).

Jessica Alba took top honours for the 'hottie award' and took it with 'dignity' saying: "I would like to dedicate this award to a young man who has been on my mind for the last 19 years: Ross."

"Ross didn't love me.

"I was pigeon-toed, I had a sway back, I was slightly cross-eyed, buck-toothed, I sucked my thumb."

"Look at me now, Ross! Look at me now!

Ahem. Another winner was Britain's Hugh Laurie, but I thought we'd rather see a picture of Jessica. Click here for list of winners.

Screwed Up Celebrity Quiz

Who's this? Answer revealed on Friday. Good luck!

Next Week's News...

CALIFORNIA, UNITED STATES: After taking into condsideration time in court, processing applications, filling out forms, cell time, sobering up and having alcohol monitors installed, Lindsay Lohans jail term of 24 hours has been reduced by so much that the courts OWE HER time.

After Nicole Richie only served 82 minutes of her 4 day sentence, Lindasy Lohans 24 hour term was reduced by the same amount. Meaning the court OWES HER 3 DAYS. Judge Morgan, who will serve the time back, will help mend the wheels on her Mercedes, which were damaged when she mounted the pavement, and hoovering up the cocaine that spilled on the sports car's floor as she crashed.

Meet a celebrity in the UK

Click here for a list of events where you can meet famous people, and famous people to be, at an HMV in your area

Or click here for other big events worth checking out for a celebrity spot or chat.

Don't drug drive kids...

Otherwise you'll spend about...oh...an hour in jail, like Nicole Richie's miniscule sentence.

If you can't do the time, don't do the crime. And when the time is 82 minutes, you probably can afford to do the crime.

Remember, Friends of Celebrities don't let Celebrities drive.

Celebrity Big Brother goes on holiday

I for one am gutted to learn that Celeb BB is 'resting'. Admittedly this BB is so boring that this Blog is a no go area for that rubbish. But the celebrity one is always worth a laugh. So what if there were arguements and rows and contoversy. Thats why we watch it. They are probably just building anitcipation for the next one. Come on next year, hurry up!

Screwed Up Celebrity Quiz Answer was...

Angelina Jolie. Some people got it straight away. Some people just could not get it. It's just the way it is. New quiz up on Monday. Tell your friends to play and
click here for the previous weeks' quiz or click on QUIZ on the right hand menu. Have fun!

I said "Oh, Oh, Oh no." Amy Wino heroin fight shock.

Seems Amy won't be visiting the Hawley Arms as much these days. She's found a new tipple: Injecting heroin in her little toes. She and her husband too a scratching screaming fight on one of Londons busiest streets yesterday. Make up all over the place arguements with her brother and parents.Read all about it here in The Sun. Although heroin doesn't fit her name as well for my pun generator as 'Wino' does. So, Amy for all our sakes, stick to the booze.

MOBO Award Nominations

The Music of Black Origin Awards nominations were revealed last night. Typical English weather meant there were lots of Umbrellas. Rihanna was happy about that as she was nominated for a couple for her song of the Parasol sonic tune of the same name, 'Umbrella'. Although you could have hidden under her HUGE umbrella, a burly bouncer was holding it for her.

See the nominations and vote here.

Smoking Ban-d

Despite smoking being 'band' in the UK, the Rolling Stones flouted the rules by sparking up during a recent gig. Rock 'n' Roooll! But the Friends of Celebrities must warn you, you could face a £500 fine. No charges were bought as no one complained. Phew!

Britney coming to London. Yes!

The rumours are rife that Britney is considering taking the kids and moving to London. Probably in the vain hope that it will solve her problems. No, but a chat with the Friends of Celebrities will help sort you out. So, get in contact Britney! We love you. But make sure you get permission to bring the kids here first. Don't just run over here in the middle of your custody battle.

Amy Wino Watch

It's been a busy two weeks. Since launching online we have had a fantastic response, all over the world. We hope that a celebrity will require your services very soon. But in the mean time I thought I'd let your know where Amy Winehouse spends most of her drinking time: The Hawley Arms in London.

Read what the pub says about itself here.

Read what nice website beerintheevening says about the pub here. 6.4 out of 10 isn't bad at all.

Happy hunting!

Tin of Michael Jackson

Ever wondered what Michael jackson would be like sold in a supermarket? Yeah, me too. So here it is.

Ingredients
Music, Animals, Rhinestone Socks, Glove, Hat, ( Artificial Colourings - White)

Storage Instructions
Store in a cool dry place, zoo, hotel, oxygen chamber or oil rich country
KEEP OUT OF REACH OF CHILDREN

Serving Suggestions
Serve with a good helping of Elizebeth Taylor or a side order of Uri Gellar. Although Michael Jackson can be a bit too rich, this can be reversed by a tin of Law Suits. Why not make one up yourself?

THIS PRODUCT MAY CONTAIN NUTS

Sorry about the problem, Folks

Thanks to everyone who signed up. Phew, we've been so popular that the blog had a bit of a breakdown, just like the celebrities we try to help. Maybe we should talk to ourselves. Anyway, if you're reading this, the blog is working again. Thanks for your patience.

John

NEW Celebrity Warning Sign!

We've seen it all before. It means OUT OF CONTROL. Watch out for it in your Celebrities. Once we identify it, then we can help. Just like all good Friens of Celebrities should do.

Cokey and Dopey Back together?

Please say it isn't so. And although this blog seems to be turning into The Pete Dog-herty show, this article in the Daily Mail is worth a mention. Secret Trysts occouring between these two at Claridges fancy hotel? It doesn't make sense. Especially after the other stories. I smell a rat. And I reckon that rat is Pete. I think he has sold his 'story' because all the details have either come from him, Kate (not likely) or hotel staff eavesdropping (not likely either). Or rather his version of what he wants to be true. I hope I'm right.

NEW Celebrity Warning Sign!

Heres a new sign for the less than attractive lady. MOOSE. Could be used for the celebrity voguing the 'bulldog chewing a wasp' look or the 'mutton dressed as lamb' pose. Either way it is a sure fire sign that this star needs one of the Friends of Celebrities.

Dog-herty walks free

Let off on a technicality. The jammy Dodger! Click here for full story.

Hilarious pictures

Look at these hilarious pictures of male celebrities as women. It's a bit like the Screwed Up Celebrity Quiz but even more freaky. Click past the adult content, I'm not sure why they have it because all the images are work friendly, apart from the odd bikini. Meow! Enjoy!

Celebrity Warning Signs!

All Friends of Celebrities should know these warning signs, so that when they happen we can all be quick to help out. Keep your eyes and ears open people. And the more people we have the more effective we can be, so get your friends to sign up now.

Pete Doherty off to jail

It looks like the Babyshambles shambles could be doing time after all. Despite avoiding jail several times for 'good behaviour' and determination to kick the crack, its seems the crack, on every occaision, is winning. Busted last night in his car with illegal drugs could be the last straw after banning him from London didn't work. Meanwhile, Kate Moss was hiding in a pub waiting for the junkie to leave the UK's V festival, before she went there and stole the show by dancing on stage. It'slike Jerry Springer, but for real! Look at meeee now!

Paris Celeb BB update

As I mentioned a few days ago. Paris Hilton IS considering Celebrity Big Brother in the UK, which should boost the profile of the programme here and in the U.S. You heard it here first. And apparantly she can name her own price. Click here if you still don't believe me.

Screwed Up Celebrity Quiz

Who is this? Answer at the end of the week and don't forget, all the previous weeks quiz are available by clicking QUIZ on the right hand menu. Forward this quiz to a friend and let them join in the fun!

Britney to lose kids

According to the News of the Screws Britney is in dire trouble. No shit, Sherlock?! But it does then do a good job of describing Britneys 'LESBIAN bed-hopping' and 'BOOZING and relentless partying' and 'TERRIBLE mothering skills as she treats her boys like toys'.

Oh and in case you didn't see her home page, she didn't get the part in the film where she was gonna play a pysho umbrella strangler after all. Shame, she would have been perfect.

Meanwhile Kevins priority is the money...ooops...I mean...the kids.

Free Posters!

Hello fellow Friends of Celebrities. As a thankyou to you all, I've made some funny posters for your office, bedroom or art gallery. Just click on the links below and they will appear in a new window. Print them off and stick them on your wall to be the envy of all your friends!

Click here for "Lost"

Click here for "Breakdown"

Click here for "Love"

If you can't see them, don't worry, they are there, just a really big A4 size. Just right click (or control click for mac users) anywhere on the page and select download image. Then print out as many as you like. OR print using the browser print button.

Screwed Up Celebrity Quiz Answer was...

Nicole Richie! Don't miss out on a new Screwed Up Celebrity on Monday. Plus, you can play the previous weeks quiz by clicking here or the QUIZ link on the right hand side.

Paris is going back inside again.

Rumours in Britain are bubbling that Paris Hilton will be on the Celebrity Big Brother show. I for, one will not be missing that.

Screwed Up Celebrity Quiz

Don't forget, the answer to the Screwed Up Celebrity Quiz will be posted tomorrow morning. Here's a reminder of the pic. Did you get it yet? Good luck!

Another person 'preparing for a role'

Following my post about britney blaming her umbrella rage on an un-coming, un-named film role. Here's another person who used the same excuse. Convicted child pornography pervert Chris Langham. "Ooooh officer, those kiddy pictures on my computer is just reseach. It's just very, very thourough latenight, everyday when the wife's away, for the past 10 years, research. Honest!"

This weeks top searches

This is who the world has been searching for this week:

1 britney spears
2 jennifer lopez
3 jessica alba
4 tom cruise
5 jessica simpson

Britneys worst excuse ever

Friends, this girl needs help. (And a new PR person who actually makes the effort). This is as laughable use of the 'I was preparing for a role' dodge ever, currently on her website. I attacked the guys car with an umbrella 'cos I was preparing for a role. I cut my hair off because I was preparing for a role. I treat my kids bad because I'm preparing for a role where I play an annoying, spoilt, trailor park trash whore. What was this film anyway? The Life of Britney Spears?

She says, 'Yes, yes, yes'.

According to the Mirror, Amy Winehouse was told by her family to go to rehab, and has now, finally agreed. Read the story here.

Next week’s news

HOOK, ENGLAND: According an official statement today, Amy Winehouse admitted that it was her hair, and not herself, that was addicted to heroin and ecstasy induced booze benders. In a heartfelt interview she broke down when talking about her wildly out of control hair, which had led a bad example to her, the people around her and anybody with hair. Pictured here with ex-heroin addicted hair Russell Brand, she vowed to keep her hair on the straight and narrow in the future: by buying straightening tongs. ☺

Lindsay Lohan 'sexy' video

Urgh! It's not sexy, its not that good. It's from Lazy Lohans new film 'I know who killed me'. The answer probably being: Myself. I'm lazy lohan and I killed myself driving while high on coke. And I killed my career myself too, by making rubbish films like this. Enjoy! (If thats the right word)

Meet a Celebrity

Ever wanted to see a celeb in the flesh? Click here to see if there are any free HMV gigs in your area. Even if they aren't famous, they might be!

Or you can click on here to get a diary of events this week where you could catch a peek at a celeb in your area. Highlights include Chantelle answering questions on why she faked a marriage split, and talking about her new show. Duh... Surely the second question holds the answer to the first?

And don't forget Mike Reids funeral. What did you do to him, Pat?

Leave a comment if you wish. And come back tomorrow!

Screwed Up Celebrity Quiz

Yo! Every monday I will post the Screwed up Celebrity Quiz right here. And then on friday I'll post up the answer. You've got five days to get the answer. Go! There is also a link on the right that says 'QUIZ' you can click on that to access the previous weeks quiz.

Good luck!

Your logo explained

We chose a crest style because the Friends of Celebrities are a trusted and professional organisation. The two champagne glasses represent style and sophistication. They are inter-twined showing companionship and celebration. The crown reminds us that celebrities are the new royalty and should treated with respect. The two animals either sideare poodles. The classiest of all dog and mans best friends. They bear roses, as a symbol of trust and friendship. So now you know what we stand for, sign up and join in.

Welcome Friends

Blogging is the future. Well, actually, its already here. And it's the best way to entice celebrities to sign up and use the services of all the lovely down to earth people for sound advice. That's you! It also means that I can post nearly every day. So be sure to visit us at friendsofcelebrities.com as often as possible. Yay!