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Posh is Fired from Spice Girls

LONDON, ENGLAND: After a two month throat infection meant Posh Spice could miss out on the Spice Girls reunion, the rest of the girls have found a replacement - a rubber doll. The rubber doll was first used as a decoy for the star during her ultra fake 'fly-on-the-wall' documentary. But the plan has backfired as the other girls have hired her as Posh's replacement.

"She is better looking, more intelligent, knows her moves and is just an all-round better performer," said Baby Spice. "Good ridence." And David Beckham was reported to have asked if the dummy is Posh's replacement, if it can move in with him aswell.

Heather Mills' fantasy life goes on

LONDON, ENGLAND: As Paul McCartney seeks a swift break from wierdo wife Heather Mills, Ms Mills had different ideas. Despite being offered a settlement worth £70 million overall she turned it down.

"I deserve more." She said in court. "I started the Beatles." Shocked onlookers then stared in disbelief as Ms Mills talked on and on about how she started the worlds greatest group and everything you've ever seen or read about Paul McCartney is a lie. Even claiming some Elvis records were hers, showing that her mendacity has no bounds and she ndoesn't even know her own husbands songs.

"I wrote 'Yesterday'. It is about my sad marriage to Paul and how all my troubles were far away until I wed that monster. Now it seems as if my troubles are here to stay. Unless I get more cash!" She even claimed that she wrote Harrison song 'Old Brown Shoe' because 'that was what Paul used to beat me with.' Andfinished with the sentence. "I am the McCartney in Lennon/McCartney."

When solicitors mention that Ms Mills was not born when The Beatles were formed she responded by saying, "Please don't stop me talking about myself and my imaginary married life. It's all I have to fill the time in my pathetic and deluded exsistence."

Sooty turns to drugs

LONDON, ENGLAND: Fifty year old television Teddy Bear has been revealed as a alcohol and heroin abuser, reports claimed today. The kids favourite and hell raiser friends Sweep were caught with the drugs after being asked to leave Prince Williams favourite nightspot Boujis.

Friends told reporters that the star had 'hit rock teddy bear bottom' after acrimonious split from previous owner Matthew Corbett and relationship breakdown with Panda Bear Soo.

Ballet Shoes tell their story

LONDON, ENGLAND: A week after Amy Winehouse swopped her blood stained ballet shoes for high heels- and thereby sending out a clear message to the world that she was back on top - the dumped shoes tell their shocking story.

"I stood by her" said the shoes. "And now she's dumped me for those high heels! I'm gutted." The flats then went on by complaining how they weren't even used for ballet. "I've given up my career for her. And now I've been taken off. Bitch!"

The shoes then revealed shocking insights about Amy including:

Doesn't wear socks!

'Heroin' blood were blisters!

Had fake implants inserted - yes, insoles!

When asked about possible career moves the shoes claim to be making an appearance on celebrity big brother and have been linked with, and soon to be worn by, Kevin Federline.

Spector Innocent

LOS ANGELES, UNITED STATES: After the jury could not come up with a verdict in the trial of Phil Spector for murder Judge Slater called proceedings to an end by stating, "mwwwph, mwwwaph." Then, once Spector moved the gun a little bit less further down the Judge's throat he then repeated his words clearer as. "I declare Phil Spector Innocent." At which point Mr Spector punched the air and screamed like a cow girl.

The Judge then continued with an emotional speech, breaking down several times into tears, and mixing his words up with intense sadness. And because he had a gun in his face. The wonderfully inspiring monologue ended with the Judge stating, "It is now that I can see very clearly the facts. And the facts are that if Mr Spector is guilty of anything - which he isn't - it is only a very, very healthy, fascination with guns."

Federline angrily challenges cleric who wants to behead Britney

LOS ANGELES, UNITED STATES: A week after fundamentalist terror group leader, Muhammad Abdel-Al said it would be an honour to be the first one to cut off the head of Britney Spears, her ex-husband Kevin Federline issued a statement today saying Mr Abdel-Al would 'have to get passed me first.'

Speculation that this seemly chivalrous display was a showing sign that Mr Federline still cared for Britney, by putting himself between her and the religious axe-man, were soon dispelled when he brandished a hack-saw in anger and shouted, 'Join the back of the queue, Muhammad. And wait your turn like everybody else.'

Owen Wilson perks up

WOODY HARRELSON’S HOUSE, LOS ANGELES, UNITED STATES: After a difficult week recuperating following his attempted suicide, Owen Wilson’s mood was found to be surprisingly up-beat after a Get Well Soon card and package was sent to him by fellow friend and comedian Steve Coogan today.

Friends claimed that he was in a bad way, but the package, which included a card with a picture of some flowers on the front saying ‘Get Well Soon’ really cheered him up. “Steve even wrote a lovely message saying, ‘I hope this will put a smile on your face’ and you know what? It really did” they reported.

There were rumours earlier in the week, aired by Courtney Love, that Coogan was to blame by introducing Wilson to the hard-core drugs that only made his break up with Kate Hudson more unbearable and led to his eventual attempt to end his life.

“How wrong they were,” said friend Woody Harrelson. “Since Coogan’s card and package Owen has been happy as Larry; cracking jokes, talking fast, jumping about and slurring his words. Just like before the suicide. He keeps asking when Steve is coming over and his eyes dilate like a child in a sweet shop.”

Winehouse admits hair is addicted to heroin: not her.

HOOK, ENGLAND: According an official statement today, Amy Winehouse admitted that it was her hair, and not herself, that was addicted to heroin and ecstasy induced booze benders. In a heartfelt interview she broke down when talking about her wildly out of control hair, which had led a bad example to her, the people around her and anybody with hair.

The news forced many commentators to admit the warning signs were there, such as hair on a tilt and 3 foot high hair! "Drugs is the only excuse for a hair style like that" said one expert. "The good news is, that admiting your hair is helplessly out of control like this and that you have a problem, is the first step of recovery."

Pictured earlier with ex-heroin addicted hair Russell Brand, she vowed to keep her hair on the straight and narrow in the future: by buying straightening tongs.

Shock Diet!

CALIFORNIA, UNITED STATES: After eating nothing but grapefruit and fish for over a year. Victoria Beckham’s ever decreasing waste-line completely disappeared earlier today.

On-lookers were shocked as one minute she was sucking on a grapefruit peel Frappaccino (decaf) and the next minute she had disappeared into thin air.

“And boy was that air thin” said one witness to the dieting Houdini. “It was as if the space around was also on a diet.”

Now police have only the two silicon breast implants left of the former Spice Girl, which will be released back to her family later this evening.

Fashion News

WARSAW, POLAND: After wearing a Maoist slogan emblazoned bag to parts of Peru that were systematically slaughtered by the Maoist regime, Cameron Diaz made amends by opening a synagogue.

Yesterday Cameron Diaz turned up to special ceremony in Poland wearing the most kitsche, retro Nazi uniform, with mesmerising swastika motif. And to set it off, a truly fetching moustache that paid more than a passing homage to the founder of the Fatherland.

Fashion experts reported that the new look was 'fabulous' and that many of the witnesses to the opening were described as being 'open mouthed', 'aghast', 'speechless' and 'crying with emotion which was probably, but not definately, joy'.

Robbies new addiction

CALIFORNIA, UNITED STATES: As the newest, vain and pathetic attempt to present himself to the world as a tortured genius, former boy-band member Robbie Williams admitted he was now addicted: to sellotape.

In the absense of any substance that Williams hasn't already claimed to be adicted to from alcohol, men, cocaine, sex, painkillers, cigarettes, coffee and well, everything, Williams has invented a new addiction: Getting hooked on stationary.

Friends are already worried that his sellotape problem has already spiralled out o control and fear he has progressed onto stronger substances, such as double sided sticky tape.

He told doctors at the Priory, "It's like sellotape, man. But double the effects and twice as strong!".

Paul McCartney 'digs' being 'dug'

LONDON, ENGLAND: Paul McCartney says he enjoyed being gold dug. The popular man of the people
said earlier today, "You know. Ooooooh. Being filthy rich means that I don't have the financial day to day worries of everyday folk.

"Yeah yeah yeah. So I like to keep in touch with regular guys and gals by having greedy woman take me for millions. And no one does that better than Heather."

When asked if he felt about throwing away money like that disrespectful to hard working people Sir Paul replied, "For me a few million is just like some builder putting the housekeeping on the horses, which they do all the time."

Lindsay Lohan owed jail time by courts

CALIFORNIA, UNITED STATES: After taking into consideration time in court, processing applications, filling out forms, cell time, sobering up and having alcohol monitors installed, Lindsay Lohan’s jail term of 24 hours has been reduced by so much that the courts OWE HER time.

After Nicole Richie only served 82 minutes of her 4 day sentence, Lindsay Lohan’s 24 hour term was reduced by the same amount. Meaning the court OWES HER 3 DAYS. Judge Morgan, who will serve the time back, will help mend the wheels on her Mercedes, which were damaged when she mounted the pavement, and hoovering up the cocaine that spilled on the sports car's floor as she crashed.